Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
