i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
