you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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