Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
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i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
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We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
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