textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
