I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
