Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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