I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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