his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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