The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
