He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
