Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
