Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
