A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
