I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
