I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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