it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
