I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
