billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
