Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
This gyro tastes like lonliness
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she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
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Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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