Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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