can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
