my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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