i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
