im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
