I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
