Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
