Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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