all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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