Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
