The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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