If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
