someone threw a dead crab at me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
