Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
