In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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