Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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