Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
