I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
