when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
