In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
