i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
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some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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