I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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