I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
