I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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