nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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