I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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