he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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