I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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