mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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