I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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