Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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