xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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