Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
