Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
