No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
