i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
