Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
