I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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