I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
