I want to have your abortion
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
