haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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